i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
