My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
