clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
