I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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