I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
