What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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