How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
