someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
