So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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