The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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