If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
