I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
