I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
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Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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