I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
