Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
