apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
