1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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