I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
