I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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