I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My life is pants optional.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
