but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
