you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
