I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
