They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
