There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
