i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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