The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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