you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize