My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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