Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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