I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
