at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
