i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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