I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
