I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
