he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
