FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
