If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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