I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
