Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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