Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
