there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
