Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
