sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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