everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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