My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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