So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
