Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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