I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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