Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
