please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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