Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
