Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
