i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
