I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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