If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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