the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
